Ethnic Jokes
The people of Ill Bethisad enjoy making fun of one another just as much as the ones who live *here*. Since one of the best ways to learn about a culture is to hear what others have to say about them, we present, with the most sober and academic of intentions, an anthology of IB ethnic humour, organized alphabetically according to the butts of the jokes.
Disclaimer: Many of these jokes resemble a few told about real-life nations and cultures. IB's creators humbly appologise for any Mental Anguish they may cause, but remind the reader that these are, after all, about constructed cultures in a fictional world.
Bohemia
How many Bohemians does it take to change a light-bulb? Five. One who does it and four who would chat about that the old one was much better.
How many deputies of Kénikrát (Bohemian parliament) does it take to change a light-bulb?
Absolute majority. The opposition thus could not propose a bill to screw it in the other direction.
How many Bohemian cops does it take to change a light-bulb?
Eleven. One stays on a table, four move around the table, next four move in an opposite direction to prevent nausea of the first four, one checks the service box, if the current is on, and commands it all.
How many Bohemian clerks does it take to change a light-bulb?
Five. One writes an application form to screw off the old bulb, the second stamps it, the third writes an application form to screw a new one in, the fourth stamps this and the fifth, after few hours of argumentation if there are correct stamps, would exchange it.
Dûnein
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Esca? A leisure centre.
Fiji
A Tahitian journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Tokelau. So he goes off to Tokelau and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Tokelau?"
All the Tokelauans reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Tokelau, he goes to Toga and asks the Togans:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Tokelau?" All the Togans reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Tonga he goes to Australasia and asks the Australasians: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Tokelau?" All the Australasians reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Australasia he decides to go to Fiji, and asks the Fijians: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Tokelau?" To which all the Fijians reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me? [BK]
France
Why is the French National Symbol the Rooster?
It's the only bird that can sing with it's feet in the merde. [DH]
Greece
How many Greeks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends on how many Greeks it takes to trick Albanians into doing it.
Henua
Why did the Henua fisherman buy a new motorboat?
His old boat had drowned too many horses. [BK]
Jervaine
A Jervan family goes on vacation in France, as they wanted to see the wonderful chalk cliffs of Calais. They drove north, through the countryside of France for some time, and just as they were nearing their destination, the husband stopped the car and turned around, heading back for Jervaine.
"Husband, dear, why did you turn the car around?" the wife asked.
"Because, my dear wife, did you not see the sign?"
"What sign?"
"The one that said Pas-de-Calais." (double-entendre in French meaning "the step of Calais" and "(there is) no Calais.") (DH)
Louisianne
How many Louisiannans does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows; the light isn't changed--it's stolen. (DH) (A NAL joke)
Moldova
How many Moldovans does it take to change a light bulb? At least two. One to try and change the light bulb. Another to shoot the first one when he tries. Then the second person will either change the lightbulb himself or kill anyone who tries to change it.
Muntenia
How many Muntenians does it take to change a lightbulb? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
New Francy
How many Francians does it take to change a light bulb ? None, let the laurentians do it...
Oltenia
How many Oltenians does it take to change a lightbulb? One, in theory. However, first you have to figure out if the light bulb really is Oltenian, or is it Hungarian in which case no Oltenian will sully his hands with it.
RTC
Since the sheer number of known jokes about the Veneds exceeds the space available here, a longer list is available off site.
Somewhere in Southeast Florida, deep in the RTC's Zone of Occupation, a young Floridian couple is taking a nice long walk, enjoying Florida's beautiful nature. Suddenly, they see a man who's is kneeled near the river, trying to drink water with his hand.
"Hey mister!" the young Floridian yells at him from a distance in Castillian, "you shouldn't drink from that water. It's poisoned!
"Kód Don dzikszy? [What did you say?]" the man asks in Wenedyk.
And the Floridian replies: "Miel biar ku dwór manór! [Better drink with two hands!]"
During the 2006 World Games, four men were arrested in Castreleon: a German, a Bohemian, a Russian and a Vened. All of them had an almost lethal alcohol rate in their blood of 1/250.
- The German had had four glasses of Schnapps.
- The Bohemian had had six pints of strong Bohemian Úrkvel.
- The Russian had had two bottles of vodka.
- And the Vened? The poor fellow hadn't had a drink for three days! [JvS]
During an official state visit to England, King Witold of the RTC wants to see for himself how the average Englishman lives. Therefore, he tells his guard to go home and decides to go for a walk alone, incognito. Dressed like an ordinary civilian, he enters a London supermarket, where he buys a bottle of wine, a carton of milk, and six apples. After he has paid for his purchases, suddenly there's cameras and journalists everywhere. The director of the supermarket steps forward, hands him over a huge bouquet of flowers and a cheque of 1000 pounds.
Puzzled, the old king asks: "Why, is this because I am your millionth customer?"
But the director denies this firmly. So the king asks: "Is it then because I am Witold IV, king of Veneda and Lithuania, lord-protector of Venedic West Africa and Southeast Florida?"
"Not at all, Sir," the director replies. "It is because you are our first customer from the RTC who didn't try to steal anything!" [JvS]
- How many Veneds does it change to change a lightbulb?
- It depends on the time of the year and the region where you live, but in general an average number of approximately 1857 people will do. First, an official request must be submitted to the town council (an average of 30 members). The request must be signed by at least 36 people; it would be helpful if your local priest is among them, who will probably not do it for free. Once the town council has approved your request, the same procedure is repeated at different levels: municipality, district, region (all ~30 members), province (~75 members), and kingdom (374 members). If you are lucky and have the right connections, you can skip a level or two. At last, it ends up in the Sejm, which has 714 members. Before discussing it, the Sejm will have to form a lightbulb changing committee, in which all ca. 50 parties must be represented, and which will consist of at least four sub-committes: one to discuss the "why", one to discuss the "what" (issues like: what kind of new lightbulb do we need?), one to discuss the "how", and one to organise the afterparty. Each committee member has a small personal staff of approximately 3 people. Normally, this procedure takes 6-12 months. Once a decision has been taken, a small celebration is needed, which will take approximately 150 people of the catering service. Then, the king must sign it. After that, a courier has to communicate the Sejm's decision to the Ministry of Housing and Spatial Policy, where the Lightbulb Department (49 people) will in take care of the matter. This will not take longer than another year or two.
Once you have received all the necessary seals and stamps, you can go to your local lightbulb store, buy a lightbulb, and change it yourself. Or have an electrician do it for you. It would be wise to ask a priest (see above) to bless it for you and to arrange for the mayor's/governor's/prime minister's/king's wife to baptise and name it. Don't forget to give two press conferences, one before and one after! Now, this whole procedure may seem a little complicated, and indeed, it takes 4-5 years, give or take, but once it has been done, you have a real Venedic lightbulb in your socket, the best there is in the world!!! [JvS]
Q: What happens when a Lithuanian moves to Latvia?
A: Then the average IQ goes up in both countries! [JvS]
(Depending on the region where you live, the same joke might also be applied on Silesians moving to Bohemia or Slevania, or Galician Ukrainians moving to Ukraine.)
(told by handing a piece of paper with the following to someone).
How do you keep a one-armed Erdekan busy? Flip Over ---> [DH]
Q: How do you sink an RTC battleship?
A: Put it in water. [DH]
Q: How do you stop the Erdekan cavalry?
A: Turn off the carousel.
Turkestan
A Qazaq nomad found himself seated at a bus-stop in Almaliq with a Russian tourist, an Uzbek tourist, and a Chinese tourist.
A camel-fly came and buzzed the Russian, who angrily slapped it away. It then buzzed the nomad, who blew it off. It then buzzed the Uzbek, who, with apparent curiosity, imitated the first two. It then landed on the Chinaman's cheek. He licked it up and swallowed it. The Uzbek stared; the other two already knew a Chinaman would eat anything.
A second camel-fly came and buzzed the Russian, who, cursing, failed to kill it but sent it away. It then buzzed the Qazaq, who gave it a good hard stare, so it left him alone. It then buzzed the Uzbek, who with a smile, watched as the Chinaman reached out, grabbed it, and ate it.
Now came a third and fourth camel-fly together. The Russian said some words the nomad couldn't remember hearing before when they buzzed him. The nomad flapped a hand at them and they left him alone. The Uzbek quickly caught them both in one motion with one hand, turned to the Chinaman, and asked:
"Would you care to purchase some flies?" [TC]
A nomad, a sart, and a Tajik all walk into a tea-house together. So the dastur turns to the imam and says, "I think you and I are in the wrong joke." [TC]
Q: How do you sink a Qazaq battleship?
A: What's a battleship? [GH].
Uyguristan
A railway car has a beautiful young Uyghur woman, a very old Uyghur woman, a young Uyghur man, and a Russian officer on it.
It goes into a tunnel.
There's the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
It comes out of the tunnel.
The Russian officer's lip is split and the young Uyghur man is grinning.
The old Uyghur woman thinks "How brave of the young Uyghur girl to slap that Russian officer when he kissed her!"
The Russian officer thinks "That Uyghur is a lucky guy; he kisses the girl, and I get slapped for it!"
The Uyghur girl thinks "How strange that the Russian officer kissed my grandmother instead of me!"
The young Uyghur man thinks "How clever I am in fighting for Uyghur independence! I kiss the back of my hand, smack a Russian officer in the face, and no-one says a word!" [TC]
Armorica
Q: Why does the new Armorican navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: To see the old Armorican navy.
Riu de l'Argent
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Riu de l'Argent?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
