Geoffrey Sessions
MP (C-Mobile) is a member of the American parliament from the western province of Mobile. He is a vociferous Conservative of Scots-Kemrese extraction and strong Protestant faith. Nicknames like "Cosh Em When They Aint Lookin", refering to his strong stands on crime and punishment, and "Mouth of the South" in reference to his loud and uncouth mannerisms (not to mention his outspoken opinions on foreigners, nonpresbyterians and just about anything that doesn't originate in Mobile province) are entirely well earned. His more gentlemanly opponents in the congress call him a "political firecracker and no mistake"; others have come right out and said "Calling the man an insignificant git would be a baseless insult on insignificant gits worldwide."
Political Career
Ran for sheriff of parish Montgomery on a platform consisting solely of "kickin six kinds of hell out o them damned Philly Yankees and Louisianan Catholics".
Made an unsuccessful bid for GM in 1990 crying "Let's get them damned English Catholics out of American business!"
Has been providing comic relief from Mobile as MP since the early 1980s with a number of rather memorable quotes, quips and slips of the mind. The Star of Georgetown once mused ...how this crank manages to stay in government is beyond all comprehension of an educated person of any station. Conservative political commentator Harold Limbaugher responded: "Well, first of all, this ìs the South! There is a cultural attitude of anti-Philadelphism that Sessions is playing into. Second of all, and from a certain point of view, he is most certainly not a crank. In reality, he is fiery in his rhetoric and perhaps a tad colourful as well. However, he manages to stay in government by giving people generous portions of what they want: money for local projects; promises of a trimmer, healthier government balanced by ensuring local pounds aren't trimmed from the Exchequer's budget; that locals on the Scheme get taken care of and heaping handfulls of what other Conservatives need - pointed and humorous ammunition against Whigs, Labour and other Miscellaneous Politicians. When people are concerned over foreign tariffs on American goods and when foreigners build up militaries for no apparent reason and when Philadelphia tries to siphon money away from Mobile province, then Sessions is right there with them to harangue parliament. And let's face it ladies and gentlemen: when you get right down to it, politics is nothing more than a quacksalver's show where the zing's the thing."
Some famous quotes
- "We must hereby seek the complete annulment of the abberant Louisianan nation!"
- "We must boycott all Lousianan goods marked with that Satanick metric rubbish. How do you know if they're really givind you a bushelworth of apples when ye end up with some damned little basket marked in gibberish!?"
- "I swear, it was two Arvo birds in red frizzy wigs what done it!"
- "...it's because the whole lot of em are in cahoots with space aliens."
- "That's right, Larry, this is just part of their First President's plot to take over the NAL."
- "And I'll tell you this: the ungodly admission of foreign devils within the sacred precincts of the Council Fire is as sure a sign of the End Times as we could hope for!" 30/07/2004
- "Larry, for the record, let's get this straight right away: I didn't have nothin to do with that woman. Nothin at all! . . . What? Oh. . . . Oh, Hannah Coultier. I thought yez said Anna Coultier. In that case, Larry, I move we strikes this whole conversation from the record. Just strike it right off! Except the bit about how them damned Satan-worshipping Latter-Day-Catholic Loozianans are gonna cross the Mississippi River with their Doomsday weapons!..." (May 2008)
Political Staying Power
The question often arises in political circles Exactly how does this obvious hack not only remain in office but increase in popularity with each passing election?
Philidelphian political commentator Trish Dunn explained on The Press Engaged, a weekly political / current events programme broadcast by the ABC: "Harold Limbaugher got it spot on this week on his show. He astutely reminded us that, above all else, "this ìs the South!" He manages to stay in office by giving people generous portions of what they want most from their politicians: promises of a trimmer, healthier government while actually ensuring that a sufficient number of pounds go for local projects (not all of which are fatback projects). You balance the whole thing by ensuring local monies aren't trimmed too much and that fellow provincials on the Scheme get taken care of and Bob's thine uncle.
He's really no worse than any other American politician (as evidenced by any slice of political rhetoric you care to listen to), apart from the obvious fixation on Martians. But then again, it seems to me he's just playing into cultural concerns over Martians! We're on the cusp of the space age, after all and Certain Neighbours are reaching out to space, and of course there's all the legitimate concerns over Louisianna's shady sytem of measures and trade practices, First President Young's so-called "reforms" (it is a wonder he hasn't been assasinated by now) and vague military capability. It all adds up to considerable mistrust on the part of the border provinces, and Mr Sessions plays into that just enough to engage those voters with real or imagined concerns."
In July of 2004, old Geoffrey "Cosh em When They Aint Lookin" Sessions caused alarm bells yet again by calling the North American Non-Agression Pact (then being debated in Parliament) his own brainchild, and "a damned sensible plan to acquire Louisiana good and proper this time." It's been a while since he last called for "the complete annulment of the abberant Louisianan nation", which he thinks the NAL should have bought from France when it had the chance.
Some question how serious he is when he speaks of unifying Louisianne within the NAL -- are his intentions for peaceful application on LA's part or is he proposing some kind of war of annexation? He's an eccentric; a sort of modern day Cato the Elder for rhetoric (especially because LA imposes tolls on all goods transported across the bridges from Mobile - because Mobile refuses to mark its export goods with "that Satanic metric rubbish"), but he is largely a harmless MP otherwise.
More Quotes and Interviews
A compilation of some of MP Sessions's more juicy sound bites, most of which are broadcast on his pal's syndicated radio talk show Larry Duke - Live!, where he earned his other common nickname, Mouth of the South, each night on WABC radio stations:
1-APR-1985: When confronted with allegations of sexual misconduct in his Parliamentary offices, Sessions quipped: "I swear, it was two Arvo birds in red frizzy wigs what done it!"
14-JUL-1988: During debates in preparation for introduction of the "International Flyover Revampment and Retrofitment" bill, Larry Duke asked for his comments: "Satan's pretzles is what they are, Larry, Balzebub R. Satan's pretzels! Not only can they not understand normal money, but they can't seem to figure out how to use a normal scale or drive on the right side of the road, forcing us to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds buildind these damned "flyover wossnames"! I'll tell thee this Larry Duke, we're starin down the very maw of a forced take-over! Yes sir, them Loozianans is fixin to continue prosecutin the 1828 War of Loozianan Agression! And the way they and their supernatural allies is in cahoots, we won't stand a chance unless we wake up and defend ourselves!"
22-JUL-1989: On the campaign trail, when asked about the NAL's relationship to the Republic of Louisianne, he said: "We must hereby seek the complete annulment of the abberant Louisianan nation!"
14-APR-2003: When asked for comment on Louisianne's singular "metric system" of weights and measures, especially as regards international commerce, he replied: "We must boycott all Lousiannan goods marked with that Satanic metric rubbish. How do you know if they're really giving you a bushelworth of apples when you end up with some damned little basket marked in gibberish!?"
30-JUL-2004: When asked to comment on the readmission of the Two Floridas, Sessions retorted: "And I'll tell you this: the ungodly admission of foreign devils within the sacred precincts of the Council Fire is as a sure sign of the End Times as we could hope for!"
8-SEP-2004 (Larry Duke Live Show):
[START TRANSCRIPT]
DUKE: And now on to Geoff Sessions, MP from Mobile. Mr Sessions, your province has close ties to Louisianan commerce, what's your take on the recent passing of Monsieur Claintaun and how his wife is taking over the reins?
SESSIONS: Well, ya know what Larry, I'll tell thee this - couldn't have been happier if I'd gone done it myself. That bastard. He was a pain in the ay-ar-ess-ee the whole time he was Moderator. And that wife of his - ouch! Why he ever left her for that intern I never did figure out. But I digress.
DUKE: With respect, I must point out...
SESSIONS: Yep, that's right, a royal pain. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. And let me tell thee this, Larry, he was in cahoots, that's right Larry, cahoots with them damned Louisianans. I always say tha can't trust a Louisianan as far as you can throw him across a river, and Larry, I can't throw a Louisianan very far. Damned French. Can't trust them either, you know?
DUKE: ...we're talking about Prefectural President G. Claintaun, not former GM Bill Clinton, who destroyed your political aspirations for high office in 1990 by a landslide, and who is very much alive in his native Louisiana.
SESSIONS: G-D Catholics! Can't trust em. Let me tell thee this, Larry, that fairy cake W.J. Clinton was a G-D Mormon sympathiser. We should never have allowed some foreign bastard to come into this great country and buy up our elections process. That's for Americans to do, Larry! Anyway, what does Clinton have to do with the price of bread - he's irrelevant now. I'll tell thee what, it's those damned Louisianans raisin prices and duties on export goods all the time. They think their bread's as good as ours and that we ought to pay for the priviledge of eating it! Well, it aint! It's all sawdust and rubbish and grits. Most of it anyway. "Cajun" brand ain't half bad. Almost good enough to eat. But the rest is pure muck, Larry. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. And I'll tell thee this Larry, it's because those damned Catholic and Mormon devils are poisoning our water.
DUKE: Poison?
S: That's right Larry, grade A poison. Their G-D factories pump all sorts of garbage into the rivers and it floats right down and lands in our back yards. That's right, Larry, this is just part of their First President's plot to take over the NAL. They're too damned chicken to send a tank or an airship over the Mississippi, but by crack they can fumigate the whole country just be sending their sewage down our river. And you know why Larry? I'll tell you why, it's because...
DUKE: Yes, please tell us why.
SESSIONS: I'm telling thee why, Larry, it's because the whole lot of em are in cahoots with space aliens. Cahoots with space aliens. It's bad enough they're a cartload of Papists and Satanists over there, but now they're confabulatin with honest to crack space aliens. Mark my words, Larry, it won't be long before you see Louisianan satellites armed with atom bombs and ray guns and they shall drop all of that on Philadelphia. Load of foreign Dutchmen anyway - but they're our foreign Dutchmen. And by crack if anyone's going to teach a load of foreigners how to spell pee-ee-en-en-ess-wye-ell-vee-ay-en-eye-ay, it's gonna be Americans.
DUKE: And how does this connect with M Claintaun?
SESSIONS: Well, he's the biggest space alien of all, Larry. Shoulda whooped him in 1990, but he bought that election. I was robbed, you know. But you know what they say, 'be careful what you wish for in politics, you might get it, you know'. He mighta bought the farm then, you know? But like I said, couldn't have been happier if I'd gone done it myself.
[END TRANSCRIPT]
1-OCT-2004: "That's right, Larry, let me tell thee this. The dice have been cast and Young is crossing the Rubik's river. That's right Larry, the Rubik's river - this is but the first step of the great War of Invasion on the part of those godless Louisianans and their space alien alies. Larry, these Martian super tanks will soon be rolling through decent, God fearing American cities, piloted by Young's legions of Hell. If our Government won't sanction use of its robot warriors or if we can't get some Martian tanks of our own, then we must take the fight to them and bring them down before they can attack us first!"
13-NOV-2004: In response to a dismissal of UFO sightings in Mobile, which were reported to have crossed the Mississippi from Louisiana, Mr Sessions retorted: "Whaddaya mean, 'still' believe in em [UFOs]? Haven't I been warnin the American people of all those space aliens just waitin to march on Philadelphia? That's right, pal, just waitin to march on Philadelphia! Let me tell thee this: right now there are legions, I say legions of Man Killing Martian Amazones and similar amassing in that Satanic country of Louisiana just waiting to pounce on us when we let our guard down!"
13-NOV-2004: "Hoax? What hoax? Larry, I'm tellin thee, it's all a governmint cover up, cos those ninnies up in Philadelphia don't want the American people to know the truth. That's right, Larry, the truth. And let me tell thee this, Larry: General Moderator Clinton was actually a little blue man, a Martian as blue as they get, Larry. Course, he'd got makeup on, but you can always tell a Martian when you see one."
"I wouldn't piss down that son of a gun's throat if his heart was on fire" [response to a question about Fr. Gm. Falgouel's firebrand preaching]
"When your oppo is drownding, throw that son of a gun an anvil." [response to a question about a challenger during the 2004 election season]
"As with mosquitoes, horseflies and most bloodsucking parasites, Justice Starr was spawned in stagnant water" [responding to a question about High Court justice Thomas Starr]
03-JAN-2005: "And let me tell thee this Larry: let's be thankful we're not as backward as those Slavs! The Nashinoes have to declare war in order to effect peaceful help in the shoounammy region! That's as ridiculous as sending shit to a dairy farm. They're almost as bad as them damned Louisiannans! Mind you, not many things are really as bad as a damned Louisiannan!"
03-JAN-2005: "That's right, Larry! This whole shoonammy thing was instigated by Louisianan space aliens from Mars. From Mars, Larry!"
20-FEB-2005: Regarding moves made by First President Young to decriminalise the Louisiannan government, Mr Sessions commented: "That's right, Larry, this is just part of their First President's plot to take over the NAL. [...] And them Looziannans ain't alone in their respirations either. They have powerful allies, Larry! That Young wouldn't dare mess Looziannan government on his own, and he wouldn't mess with America on his own either; it's because the whole lot of em are in cahoots with space aliens. That's right, them blue space aliens from Mars are equiping the 'New Looziannan Republic'!"
16-APR-2005: "The Louisianan people are nothin more than a load o blue Martian loving, anti-American, Satanic Papists and Masonic Mormon cultists, the lot of em. That's right, Larry, the lot of em! This new rule imposing fines on American export companies that don't comply with their diabolical decimation scheme came straight from Lucifer's mouth itself. And let me tell thee this, Larry, when they and their little blue generals march on American cities, we shall wish we'd a coshed em when we had the chance!"
30-MAY-2006: "Larry, let me tell you something about Mr Young and his el stupido rearranging of his government. Loozianna has been a two ring three ring circus since the French owned it; it has been a bannana republic since the French let it be; French or no French, Loozianna has been a house of ill repute, run by scoundrels of the lowest sort. You mark my words, Larry Duke: that Mr Young is gonna find himself at the wrong end of a Martian laser blaster. Them Martians will not let him get in the way of their plans to take over the North American League and the entire world from their secret bases in Loozianna!"
On 24-JUN-2006, fellow member of Parliament John Quhiggley (W-VA) quipped: "Calling the man an insignificant git would be a baseless insult on insignificant gits worldwide." Mr Sessions, attending a fund raising event at the time, responded to general applause: "What!? Is tha tryind to tell me that Qoo-higgley-piggley boy actually opened that slack-jawed yokel gob of his and put together more than two sensible words in a row? Gawd Almighty, it is a miracle of devastating proportions!"
14-FEB-2007: A perennial favourite: "And I'll tell you this, Larry Duke, it's all on account o them blue space aliens from Mars! From Mars, Larry! And that ain't no Valentine's Day joke! It's high time we turned the tide and gave them a proper Valentine's Day massacre, before they get us first!"
15-JUN-2007: "Larry, there's a place in this country where high level Martians and our government officials can meet discretely, a military installation where noone can follow."
28-DEC-2007: A snippet from the Larry Duke Show
"Solid and loyal to perfection, our Kiwi bretheren from Down Yonder. Save yore Louisianan llifers, boys, the Land o Dixay shall rise up again from the ashes of its own destruction and throw off the yolks of their First Presidents' illmisbegotten crap lance. That's right, crap lance of the first rate. I'm tellin you right now Larry Duke, the Land o Dixay shall find her fulfillment yet within the nova constellation of the NAL. They were on the right track in 1828; and we shall yet have back wot we've let slide away!"
"Indeed, Mr Sessions, that's quite interesting, but I'm lost. What, exactly, do our Down Yonder bretheren, solid and loyal as they may be, have to do with Louisianne?"
"Let me just put it plain, Larry. It all comes down to them Satanic Loozianans and their mercenary cohorts of blue Martian space aliens, poised to cross the Mississippi River and destroy our country and way of life."
"Go on."
"Well, when the time comes to rise up and defeat the enemy, our stout hearted and loyal bretheren from all over the Commonwealth will be called upon to give us a hand to mop up the mess. But what we really need to do, Larry, is declare WORE on Looziana right now, afore they can muster their blue mercenaries with their laser beams and doomsday weapons. See, Larry, the Martians have clearly been supplying Looziana with Doomsday Weapons of all kinds. Why, they could conquer the world if we don't give em a right cosh in the knackers first!"
"So, you're advocating the invasion of a peaceful country?"
"Peaceful!? Shore, they're peaceful. That's just what they want us to think! Lull us into a sense of false security, see. Then, BAM! They will overrun us with their amassed armies. Dog gone blue space aliens form Mars, Larry. They will be our undoing if we don't keep an eye on the West! Doomsday Weapons, Larry! Space aliens attackin, spyin on us with their superscience devices, abductin our citizens and probin all sorts..."
"AND ON that note, ladies and gents..."
"...I say stickin their probes..."
"...we'll bid you all adieu..."
"...Satanic French lingo!"
"...from all of us at Larry Duke Live, here on NBC television!"
12-JAN-2008: "That's right Larry Duke, let me epslain it to thee plain and clear. Them satanic Loozianans are setting all their pieces on the board, and if we don't get cracking, we'll lose before the dice has been thrown acrosst the Rubick's River! See, this Referendum is a Plot by the republicrats of Looziana to destabilise a friendly nation. Now, with their Mr Young out of the way as the only check on the greed of the Machine, we have begun to see Looziana's true colours! Once New France has capitulated to Looziana's schemery, we shall find ourselves surrounded on all sides by Loozianan militry forces and their blue Martian space alien allies. That's right, Larry, let me tell thee this! Don't you even for one minute believe that New France will remain the weak kneed, pacifistic country it is now! They shall raise up an army, funded by Loozianan arms traders who have been languishing since the end of the Texan war. And, with that army in place, they shall invade our dear NAL at unawares. You mark my words, Larry Duke! Unawares!"
1-MAR-2008 at a political rally, one journalist quipped that many Chicagoans support Mr Sessions. He replied in typically good humour: "That's touchind, Larry Duke, really it is. Tell em to move their arses on down here to Mobile, so they can vote for me next term and we can actually defeat these Loozianan space aliens and their allies and cronies in Philadelphia!"
22-MAR-2008 on the Larry Duke Show: "Larry! Larry! Let me tell thee this: this travesty is the work of militant invaders from Looziana. Our friends up in New France have been invaded by spies from New Orleens, and even now they are planning to invade America from two fronts. Larry, NOW is the time to hit em back, before they hit us first!" The late news were rather surprised at Sessions's obvious support for Nouvelle Francie, but it should come as no real surprise given his loathing for Louisianne.
1-MAY-2008 on the Larry Duke Show: "Larry, for the record, let's get this straight right away: I didn't have nothin to do with that woman. Nothin at all! . . . What? Oh. . . . Oh, Hannah Coultier. I thought yez said Anna Coultier. In that case, Larry, I move we strike this whole conversation from the record. Just strike it right off! Except the bit about how them damned satan-worshipping Latter-Day-Catholic Loozianans are gonna cross the Mississippi River with their Doomsday weapons!..."
