Krzysztof Kawaliniany

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Krzysztof Kawaliniany (born January 21, 1963 in Straniolecat, Prusi) is a Venedic politician. Since 2003 he has been the mayor of Męć Rzegały.

During the election campaigns, he attracted some notoriety for his simple, unsophisticated political advertisements on radio and television, which placed him both in the Top-10 of Most Popular and the Top-10 of Most Impopular Veneds. The title music of these advertisements, with the text "Nostra czytać: Męć Rzegały, i nostra wita: Męć Rzegały" ("Our city: Męć Rzegały, and our life: Męć Rzegały") can still be heard often and is frequently parodied.

At that time, Kawaliniany was a 40 year-old bachelor, unemployed, vocationally educated as a car driver-mechanic, who lived with his widowed mother in a wooden house. Several weeks before the elections, members of the electoral committee “XXI Century Prussia” (Prusi XXI-u Szekłu) convinced him to run for Mayor of Męć Rzegały. Kawaliniany agreed. A TV advertisement was made, and this brought him international notoriety. His political ideas, so stated on the TV commercial, were populist and included "punish drivers for drinking, smoking and everything!", "creating jobs for youth and for people" and probably the most famous "there won't be banditry, there won't be theft, there won't be anything!". Other aspects of the commercial, such as his sweater and vocal mannerisms, gave the commercial a distinct and recognizable look.

Kawaliniany quickly became a cult figure. The video with several of his commercials, interviews and political comments became a bestseller, and huge chunks of it were repeatedly broadcasted on TWW1. Lots of things associated with Kawaliniany (characteristic sweater etc.), souvenirs, mugs, t-shirts are being sold in Męć Rzegały and elsewhere in Veneda. The sweater he used in his TV campaign was later sold on an auction for no less than 7,800 Ŧ, his bottle of Rzeż Wars eau de toilette for 100 Ŧ.

He was elected with 36,4 % of the votes in the first tour and 55,6 % in the second tour of the elections. Although his lack of competency is obvious and little has changed in Męć Rzegały since he took over, he still enjoys great popularity in the entire Republic. He is often compared to the American politician Geoffrey Sessions.

In several interviews, he stated that he will be chancellor of the RTC within five years (possibly as a joke).

Kawaliniany's TV commercial

Original text (Wenedyk)

Opiału sie Kawaliny... Kawaliniany Krzysztof. Noski sie dzei wijaśmu przymu jąwarze mileśmu nówczęcieśmu trzecu szeczaśmu trzecu onu en Straniolecatu, prowięcza prusica. Wołu propunier swej witopic. Fińszy szkoła przęczypała profieszonała komód rutórz-mechanik. Poszedze swa poszeszeń – domik lini. Ja mocica, ja frotrze. Tatuś nie wiwie. Uta tatuś mółt je miej mółt, mółt dzieśrewaty. Ił łucy pro Warsinie, łucy pro Rzeipybiełczej, łucy pro Dzieju. Uta nie ja potrze – dziewadszy. Komód jo dziku – okłamie, kębli łok jewtędu. Je en czału stawiecz. I źwielęc ośpiecze, komód jo sie kandydu sie komód prezydent czytacie Męcie Rzegału. Mółt gratłu Donaci.

Wołu faczer pro nostrzej czytacie Męcie Rzyga... Męcie Rzegału szekwięcie rzeje. Likwidar tutamięć pro jewiętycie alkohol, cygarecie i nar... i narkotycze. Omielorar en nostru Męcie Rzegału komunikaceń łokała. Łokała i łonięcokurzęcia. Szyk! Nąk nostra komunikaceń je mółt, mółt słaba, mółt mała. Oprzer fabrycze i łocze łoworze pro jewiętycie i pro ludzi. Szyk! I wołu mółt, mółt łu faczer. Omielorar en nostrzej czytacie, en tuciej, en tutór Prusór, prokódsi nie szer bandytyzmu, prokódsi nie szer fertydnie, prokódsi nie szer nyłu. Prokódsię ludzie wieszczerzy posier parjer, nąk miecim stawiecz owienię o mie – łomięta, postłacenie, kwiarą ludzie wieszczerze, en szekłu owięcatu, kód jewiętyć sie okopła sie. Maż jo sie nie osale sie, kód jewiętyć sie wieszczerzór ludzi okopła sie, osłuta, osłutą i szyk łoniu. Nąk jewiętyć nie ja łoworze, nie ja łoworze! Fabrycze nostrze en Męcie Rzegału są dezrąpcie, przekód jedziewkacie. Połok omielorar Męć Rzegały, prokód łocze łoworze, szyk komód Baltex je dezrąpty, szyk komód łocarze jec en Męcie Rzegału, szyk komód Spumacz en Wiekłostablęciór. Szyk komód... i jałtrze fabrycze są dezrąpcie. I wołu leż zdyczer polica sur parwije. Wołu zdyczer polica, prokódsi polica gwardar tuta nostra rodzień, nąk dzie iłu je polica i gwardza łokała. Dzie iłu li są! Dzie iłu są ili! Dzie iłu są. Maż en oficze en czytaciu... czytacie jerzy niodtać i rodzień. Ni jerzy biurokracje, ni jerzy łachmańtacie, sięgłamięć sur wiortacie ludzie jerzę. En cięprze iwrzanu ucorzykar jerzę architekci planie jedziewkędu rutar, planie jedziewkędu rutar. Zblinie jękóra wiecz: planie jedziewkędu rutar. Maż en przymawierze zwadszerzymy ku jedziewkędu parwijar i... parwijar, nąk kwale owiemy rucie? Kwale owiemy? Kód sie ście sie z Korocinu? Kód sie ście sie? Maż rutorzy leż jerzę par polica siewioramięć pynici, po alkohol, po cygarecie, po tut. I jękóra leż omieloraru urzała en Jazinu i Kmelicar, kód urzała jętar Gdańcyk i nosz jerzy wiortablemięć, wiortablemięć jerzy urzała, kód ni jerzy szmugle, niec cygaretar, niec narkotykór, niec alkohole. Gratłu Donaci!

Wieniaraty Donacie! Kandydu za szpatle... Pusór XXI szekłu. Mółt kwiaru dziedar sur mie wot. Łu, kód propuńszy, świe postłacenie, łu jo tut fieczoru i sur mie wale wotar, nąk jo su wiortablemięć womień oniesty i żysty. Nie szyk, kód jałtrze partie, jałtrze komitacie, jałtrze partie porłą, maż nił ni faczę, maż nił ni fieczorą pro czytacie Męcie Rzegalej, maż łu kód jo dzikszy łu jo tut fieczoru, nąk su womień krzedzięci i praktykęci i szczyje sur kwała m... sur kwały mód łu faczer, komód ocar, komód omielorar rucie, komód tut, komód likwidar cygarecie, komód tut likwidar. I mółt kwiaru tuciej czytacie Męcie Rzegalej i tutór Prusór dziedar sur mie wot, gratłu Donaci.

English translation

My name is Krzysztof Kawaliny... Kawaliniany. I was born on the twenty-first of January in the year nineteenhundred three sixty-three in Straniolecat, province of Prussia. I want to present my biography. I finished the primary vocational school as a driver-mechanic. I own my possession – a wooden house. I have a mother, I have a brother. Daddy is dead. But daddy is very, very merited. He fought for Warsina, he fought for the Republic, he fought for God. But father isn't there anymore – he has left us. As I say – called for, changed his place of residence. He is in heaven now. And from there he is watching me being running for president of the city of Męć Rzegały. Thank you very much.

I want to do the following things for our city of Męć Rzyga... Męć Rzegały. To liquidate for the youth alcohol, cigarettes and dru... and drugs. To improve in our Męć Rzegały the local communication. Local and long-distance. Yes! Because our communication is very, very weak, very bad. To open factories and jobs for the youth and for people. Yes! And I very, very much want to do that. To improve in our city, in the whole city, in all Prussia, so that there won't be banditism, so that there won't be theft, so that there won't be anything. So that older people can cross, because even now there are coming to me... complaints, demands, older people, of advanced age, are asking me, that the youth is being harrassing them. But I am not being surprised, that the youth is harrassing older people, attacks, attack them and so on. Because the youth does not have jobs, it does not have jobs! Our factories in Męć Rzegały are destroyed, before being built. Instead of improving Męć Rzegały, so that there will be jobs, such like Baltex is destroyed, such like dairy factories in Męć Rzegały are destroyed, such like Spumacz in Wiekłostablęcie. Such like... and other factories are destroyed. And I also want to lead out the police into the streets. I want to lead out the police, so that the police will watch over all our order, because that is what the police and the town guards are there for. That is what they are for! That's why they are there! That's what they are for. And in the town hall... there will be neatness and order. There won't be bureaucracy, there won't be tattering, people will be only on truth. During wintertime architects will be designing plans for building roads, plans for building roads. I stress it once again: plans for building roads. And in Spring we will come out and build streets and... streets, because what kind of roads do we have? What kinds of roads? What's been happened in Korocin? What's been happened? And drivers, too, will be severaly punished for alcohol, for cigarettes, for everything. And I will also improve the borders in Jazin and Kmelice, so that the border between Danzig and us will be really, there will be really a border, so that there won't be smuggling, nor of cigarettes, nor or drugs, nor of alcohol. Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen! I am running on behalf of... XXI Century Pussia. I ask you to give me your vote. That, what I've presented, my demands, all that I will do, and it is worth the effort to vote for me, because I am a really honest and righteous person. Not what other parties, other committees, other parties talk, but don't do anything, they haven't done anything for the city of Męć Rzegały, but what I have said, all of that I will do, because I am a faithful and religious person and I know in what kind of... in what way to do it, how to act, how to improve roads, how to do everything, how to liquidate cigarettes, how to liquidate everything. And I am asking the whole city of Męć Rzegały and all of Prussia to give me your vote, thank you.

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