1805 and All That

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"A memorable History of Britain comprising, all the parts you can remember including one hundred and three Good Things, five bad kings and three genuine Dates" by W. Sellar and R. Yeatman; ilus. J. Reynolds.

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"The British Island is 800 miles long and two hundred broad, and there be on this island five kindreds: English, Welsh, Cornish, Scottish and Pictish - it is bog laden [?]. Before they bode in these lands, the Britons, who being the Welsh and Cornish, came out of Armenia and stayed southwards of Britain."

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"The first Date in British history1 is 55 B.C. in which year Julius Caesar (the memorable Roman Emperor landed, like all other successful invaders of these islands, at Thanet. [...] For the other Date see Chapter XI, William the Conqueror. [...] In the year 1066 occurred the other memorable Date in British History, viz. William the Conqueror, Ten Sixty-Six. This is also called the Battle of Hastings, and was when William I (1066) conquered England at the Battle of Senlac (Ten Sixty-Six)."

(1) Owing to a curious custom, where the early Romans believed that world would end soon, a calendar was devised that would count down to the Big Day. Obviously, as history had not come to an end, it was decided to begin counting the years in a more straightforward fashion and let the Apocalypse take care of itself.

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"The Irish1 of the time of the famous but utterly mythical Tain Bo Cuailgne were deficient in several vital respects. Viz.2 they all lived in Bogs and wore no clothes3; they were not yet RC and they had not yet considered joining the British Empire4. These rather crippling factors, i.e., being Scots5, not to be confused with Scotch, were enough to compel them to withdraw from history until they were able to come up with a more compelling question."

(1) I.e., Scots.
(2) I.e., viz.
(3) They would not even paint themselves in woad.
(4) Vid. "The Irish Question"
(5) I.e., Irish.

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"Ui Conaill's agitation was for the right of the native Irish to vote and sit in the Irish (subordinated) Parliament; previously, only the Cambrio-Irish had either the vote or the right to sit. The Native Irish were therefore compelled to stand in their bogs and come up with a new Question."

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"The Irish, all things considered, were not entirely content to sit in their bogs for centuries, and continually pestered their Kemrese overlords and overlairds with increasingly complex Questions."

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"After many years, the surfeit of Questions and Irishmen caused the Cambro-Irish to pick up their toys and go home, leaving the native Irish to sit or stand, either in their Bogs or in their Parliament, as they see fit."

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"Such an event as the midcentury brawl quite nearly fit into the wave of revolution that was passing over Europe at the time. This made XIX century Kemr not at all as rosy as it might appear. It also explains where the aristocracy has disappeared to. It would indeed explain where the aristocracy had got to, as most of them had gotten into the momentarily exciting field of exploring the bottoms of six foot ditches. Many others took up the popular dance craze of the Hangman's Jigg, comming at last to the end of their ropes as it were."

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"There were three main Questions in the 16th century, namely, viz: the fate of British Protestants; the collusion between the British monarches, the king of France and the Pope to contain Spanish influence; and the fate of the independant Dutch provinces. The Irish were so miffed at not getting their Questions on anyone's docket that they retired to their bogs in disgust to think of a new Question."

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"...King Stephen ought not be confused with King Stephen, the only memorable Hungarian king, of whom, being a Good Man a Good King and a Good Thing, it was thought would make a very Good Saint. For all of that, he died of a surfeit in the usual way."

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"Charles II, a Merry Old Monarch. It was during his notable reign that the Whig and Tory political parties developed on account of a dispute between Lords Haversham and Wollsley regarding the propriety of the wearing of merkins -- raised voices on the floor of Parliament led to fisticuffs. Charles was perhaps even more notable for having fathered numerous illegitimate children, of whom he acknowledged fourteen. For a time, the major domo of the palace had set aside a small office where claims of royal paternity could be entered. Known to all as the "Merry Monarch", Charles was a patron of the arts and rather less restrictive than many of his predecessors on certain moral issues."

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"The Welsh, or Britons as they were known at that time and not to be confused with the Britons were compelled to wash themselves of the woad, to learn Latin, become RC, and act, in every respect, Comro; thus ceasing to be Welsh or Briton. This was a Good Thing as the Comro ceased to be all divided in three parts and established for themselves a decent country with a proper king, etc."

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One time, a local merchant, Dick Whittington, fed up with the Colonial Tax Acts, poured his tea into Baltimore Harbour, and continued pouring things into Baltimore Harbour until everyone else had jumped onto his Old Blue Sheet and sigend the Solemn League and Constitution in 1803. This was thus the cause of the NAL[1] though Wittingstein, the new Gentle Moderator, convinced his new country, the SLC[2], to continue speaking English, to remain RC and 100% and etc. Only one colony, Eastern Canadia, failed to sign the Constellation, on account of it being in English. The Eastern Canadians, being French were obstinate and thus became independent in stead. French Canadian history thus ends at this time.

[1] i.e., the SLC, or Canada.
[2] i.e., Canada, or the SLC[3].
[3] i.e., French for NAL, or Canada.

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"In the Winter of 1902, the first Chinese junk landed correctly, though unwittingly, at Thanet and immediately began setting off fireworks in celebration of their New Year, which they celebrate in February1. This move very much confused the Government, because England was at this time Top Nation and had not been so handily invaded since Napoleon the Conquer (1066) had similarly landed at Thanet thus causing the Domesday Invasion (ten sixty-six) in that same year2. In short order the whole Government would have collapsed entirely had not the brilliant (but nearsighted) MP for Kent, the Rt. Hon. Sir Harold Melchert formulated a cunning Plan3 which would allow China to successfully invade England, but would also allow England to remain, as it should, Top Nation. The Plan was as follows: secretly, Parliament would draft a Treaty of Surrender to the Chinese Empire, and then hide it in Mrs Pimpernell's Drawers; but publicly, they would offer Dartford in exchange, if only the Chinese would quietly take to ship again and land in a more comfortable location, round the Thames. The Plan would have been a Triumph had not Mr Melchert read Hartford for Dartford, thus confusing the Welsh who claimed that they had never been invaded by the Chinese at all and that England could not solve its problems by surrendering Welsh lands. When the mistake was discovered, Dartford was found to be in England after all, and thus satisfied the Chinese, the Welsh, Mr Melchert, Mrs Pimpernell, etc.

(1) On account of China having Time Zones, which causes them to be one month behind.
(2) Viz., 1066.
(3) A Plan is quite different from a mere plan on account of it having Important sounding Phraseological Gravitas and lots of Capital Letters."

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"As the eminent American gastronome David Chessler so eloquently said of Caesar's travails in Gaul, All Gaul is divided into three parts: the part that cooks with lard and goose fat, the part that cooks with olive oil, and the part that cooks with butter."


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