How to tell if you're Bohemian

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Contents 1 If you're Bohemian... 2 If you died tonight... 3 Everybody knows that... 4 World civilization? 5 It is always Something... 6 Space and time

If you're Bohemian...

• You are certainly not a republican. The queen is like a sun, shining from above. Just like the sun, you tend to overlook the queen as something ordinary.
• You are familiar with what is called world pop-culture. You recognise foreign and local celebrities when they appear on television, in magazines, and on the news, especially those who have passed the test of time.
• You know what ice-hockey and football are, that is sure. If you're male, you probably know the names of all the teams of Supärlíka (the highest competition). It will be a national disaster not to win the gold medal in ice-hockey at the World Games this year. You may also know the basics of tennis and handball. As you should, your country invented handball.
• You count yourself fortunate; you have at least four weeks of vacation. It includes many church holidays (lots of Christian and Jewish holidays). If you are a teacher, you have eight weeks.

If you died tonight...

• You love God, he gave you life. You respect God. God gives you everything you need. Hons Hus is the second after God. Or maybe third, after Jesus. You don’t care about Rome or the Pope. You know your Archbishop and pastor well, because you pay them from your kirchcinsna, or church tax. To visit a church on Sunday is sort of a tradition, at least you meet your brother or mother there. God and science are two different pots of hot soup. Creationism is not an issue.
• You think of going to a pub or pizzeria when it comes to good, cheap food.
• You own a telephone and a TV. You do not know anyone who does not have a TV-set, except for some losers or posers. Your place is heated in the winter and has its own bathroom. You do your laundry in a machine. You don't need to kill your own food. You don't have a dirt floor. You eat at a table using settings, sitting on chairs.
• You don't consider insects, dogs, cats, monkeys, or guinea pigs to be food.
• Your bathroom contains a toilet along with a sink, a bath or a shower unit. If you need to go, ask for kachlcimär (the tiled room).
• You expect, as a matter of course, that the phones will work. Getting a new phone is routine. If you are a scientist or businessman, you will consider getting a network terminal once the Telekom makes it of any use.
• The train system is quite good. Trains don't go much faster than cars; but they are cheaper, and they go when all the roads are clogged with snow. They also stop in any city you can find on a map, and they do have toilets and serve drinks. Buses are for students and the low-class. Cars are fine when going out with family; else mass transportation is much cheaper. You take airships only going abroad of you are a busy businessman.
• It seems natural that the telephone system, railroads, airlines, power companies and car manufacturers are privately owned, so long as the owners are Moltau-suckled. If you are old enough you can remember when you got proper service for your krojcärn.
• You find a multi-party system natural, but you can imagine many much more effective ways to run a country; e.g. an enlightened dictatorship. Then again, what else will you do evening in a pub than to criticise every-one for everything? None of the ministers know that Bohemian pubs are full of competent people who are able to perfectly run a country from a pub table. You have one, two, three, maybe four major parties and a number of smaller ones. The Färfasunkspartáj rules, except for few years in the past. You find parliamentary systems with an entirely left to right scale of parties normal.
• Socialism is a serious issue, but socialists never succeeded in elections. Communism? What's that? You do not fully understand why there are so many parties like Silesian, Moravian, etc., but as long as they do not mess with your švejn-kraut-unt-knétl, they are fine.
• Most people are thy neighbours, unless they are not accepting the local rules. It doesn't matter if they are white, yellow, brown or black.
• You think most problems could be solved if only people would use their brains more frequently than they usually do.
• You respect the law. That is fundamental. Without a code of law, no society can work on common prosperity. You respect the judge and court, because you know that you might need them one day. Sometimes it looks you even adore the law.
• You'd respect someone who speaks škantináviš (Riksmal), enkliš (English), fentiš (Venedic) or žapániš (Japanese). You speak Bohemian at home, whatever dialect, unless you are Silesian, Moravian, Czech, Austrian, Lusatian or some other foreigner. If you are young, you know some English. If you are a scientist, you speak Latin, Greek, and English. If you are a businessman, you speak Low German, English, Venedic and Riksmal. You are also able to speak German, but you'll probably never do it, unless your life will be in danger.
• You probably think that taxes above 40% are basically piracy, but you drive the state highways, you use state post or you go in state trains with no remorse. You would never become so rich to be taxed that high, of course.
• School is free from elementary school to kimnásium (grammar school). Universities are subsidised, but you need to pay, because it makes running the University more effective; almost everyone knows why he studies the subject he studies. University is normally for five years (six for medicine) if you want to become mákistär (owner of a master degree). You may also choose to be educated professionally and leave after three years as pákalär (owner of a bachelor degree). If you want to be a filosofí dóktor (owner of a doctoral degree), you spend an additional three to seven years and you need to get a master's first.

Everybody knows that...

• Mustard comes in jars, shaving cream comes in spray, and milk comes in paper boxes.
• Dates are in the DD/MM/YY format.
• The decimal point is a comma, certainly not a dot.
• Great War II still leaves a bit of a bitter taste in your mouth. Your father fought on the right side, but much later than he was supposed to. Things would have been much easier if there were no traitors among us, but that is life. You never liked Germans and you do not plan to change this point of view. You have heard lots of stories from your (grand)father and (grand)mother about Germans and their minions humiliating them for their beliefs, but it's over. No-one will be given a chance to do it again to you.
• You expect marriages to be made for love, not arranged by third parties. Many marriages happen in a church or synagogue, or at registry offices in a few cases. You have a best man and a maid or matron of honour at the wedding -- usually a friend or a sibling. And, naturally, a man gets only one wife at a time.
• You use the informal tu only with people you know well, which usually means that you can address them by their first name, or with fellow students.
• If you're a woman, you have no problem going to the beach topless.
• A good hotel room has a private bath, a cheap hotel has a bathroom in the corridor.
• If a man has sex with another man, he is a homosexual. You don't care unless they do it in the street. If that's the case, you point them to a more intimate place like a štuntna-hotel (one hour hotel).
• You'd rather have a film be dubbed than subtitled (if you are not a youngster).
• You not only expect to be able to transact business or deal with the government without having to pay bribes, you demand it.
• If a politician has been involved in škantál (public outcry), you consider him to be untrustworthy. If, for example he cheated on his wife, it is not a reason for him to resign, but it may influence your vote next time around. If it involves a shadow economy or such, you want his head to be displayed on a stake by the city wall.
• Just about any store will take your credit card.
• A company can fire just about anybody it wants, but only according to law.
• May 1 is Ófštantsták, it is the day your (grand)father and/or (grand)mother washed the splotch of dishonour from the face of our history. It's a holiday. A silent holiday. And only since 1969.

World civilization?

• You have probably seen War in the Heavens, Snæhvite and Gigantic!. But you think that Bohemian movies are better; better art, better stories, less show, less candy. Many times a Bohemian movie was nominated for Oscar, won it only two times.
• You know the canon of popular music of the Federal Kingdom and the NAL, particularly Fuzió and Qvelbe. Bands you recognise include ABBA and No More EagleZ. You think that Bohemian pop is worse, but who cares?
• You count on excellent medical treatment. Why the hell you else would pay such taxes? You know you're not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases. You think dying at 65 would be a tragedy.
• You find your-self progressive, you use only SI units.
• You went over Bohemian History, the history of the Central Europe, and some European history, especially the bits about RTC and Hessler; not much American or Asian stuff.
• You expect the military to fight wars, not get involved in politics. Service in army was an honour. You know all the generals who won at least a battle – Šiška, Lautón, Rusform. If you are old enough, you would never forget name of your lejtnant. Today we have professional soldiers. Now, you may not be able to name any of the heads of the armed services.
• Your country was invaded by those bastards from Austria and Prussia, but defended itself and is a free nation.
• You're used to a wide variety of choices for almost anything you buy.
• You are not a farmer, although you may think about it as about very tranquil life style. If you are intelligent, you know it is hell not.
• The people who appear on the most popular talk shows are mostly entertainers or other strange individuals. Including politicians.
• You drive on the right side of the road. You stop at red lights even if nobody's around. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them.
• You know you are a Bohemian. You are citizen of the Bohemian Kingdom, which is the centre of the world, one of the richest countries in Europe. Everyone knows Bohemian beer, guns and ice-hockey. Your country has rich history, hearing about which rises your pride. You try not to catch any time when some-one calls Bohemian Germans. You find Veneds, Hungarians and even Slevans to be fine guys, little bit less advanced, but friendly. Germans and Austrians are displayed openly as funny Jerries (Fric, Prejs) all the time in hapták (stand erect) with no sense of humour. Inside your soul, you dislike them blindly. You hate being called by them Wenzl, Honsi or Pepi (all meaning a Bohemian, erh, a carl, which is rather slow in thinking).
• You consider the Volkswagen Beetle to be a car for students and postmen.
• The policemen are armed. If you are a rural, you probably have a hunting rifle. If you live in town, you probably never thought about buying a weapon. You think that firearms should be strictly controlled by the state.
• If a woman is plumper than the average, it does improve her looks in regard which parts are, erh, enhanced.
• The biggest meal of the day is in the noon.
• There aren’t particular parts of the city you want to avoid at night. But you never roam a city during night, unless you are youngster, policeman or taxi driver.

It is always Something...

• You feel that your kind of people isn't being listened enough in Prák.
• You hope not see both inflation and unemployment to be very high (say, over 10%) at the same time.
• You care what family someone comes from. Much you care who he is.
• The normal thing, when a couple dies without last will, is for their estate to be divided equally between their children.
• You think of theatre or concert to be a relevant entertaining for you. Likely you go to see five to ten plays a year. Maybe more. You also visit galleries thrice a year. Cinema much often. An opera and ballet are as rather elite entertainments.
• On each street, regardless how short it is, there is a pub. You met there in the evening with neighbours, friends of colleagues. Tea-houses and cafés are IN for ladies and youngsters to spend time with friends. Bars are are only in cities and for snobs.
• Kristkindärl (Christmas) comes in the winter, December 24. Unless you're Muslim or Buddhist, you spend it with your family and friends, you set up a tree and you spend half a day to decorate it. Your mother of wife bakes Christmas sweets, you have a fried carp and potato salad as a supper, you gave presents, sing carols and follow other old pagan winter solstice customs transformed into Christmas ones.
• You are used to go to Church regularly, but you are pretty content for the Church not to be involved directly in politics.
• You'd be hard pressed to name the capitals or the leaders of all the nations of Africa or Asia, but you are able to give them in Europe.
• You have heard of Henry Portman, Tintin and the works of Tolkien, even if you haven't read them yourself. But you have read at least some Inspector Watson stories.
• You've left a message at the beep.
• Taxis are generally operated by well situated men. It is in fact quite fair and good job.
• You are in favour of welfare and unemployment payments. These overall you think that is a good thing. You would hope never to need either one yourself, because it would be humiliating.

Space and time

• If you have an appointment, you'll offer an apology if you're up to five minutes late, and apologise profusely if it is more than that. For academic staff it is said, that fifteen minutes are acceptable.
• If you're talking to someone, you do not get uncomfortable if he or she gets within two feet of you. They should only touch you, save for handshakes, if you are friends, however. You do not especially like a loud discussion.
• Aboard public transport, you expect no noble comfort, but also no discomfort.
• Showing up precisely on time for something is a sign of good manners.
• You do not expect to bargain for anything. Haggling is something you saw in Turkey or other such place.
• You are allowed to simply show up at someone's place when it's a friendly acquaintance. It is good to ring before. If you invite others to visit you, then you are expected to offer food and wine. It is polite if they bring something but they are under no obligation to do so.